Pregnancy is an exciting journey. From pregnancy sickness to baby kicks, from maternity wear to baby room, every waking moment deepens my awareness of the gift of life that’s living and growing within me. This has been and is still a journey marked by lessons of trusting God and of growing joy in Him.

I thought I had put behind me the previous miscarriage by the time we received the news of this pregnancy. How wrong I was! I woke up from a dream one night and was filled with terror and despair – terror of losing the baby once again, and a sudden despair in realizing that I, till then, had been afraid to love the baby within me. Jon and I prayed. And the Lord revealed more.

Little did we realize the extent of the fear we had of loving the baby. We did not want to love and be hurt again. It was just too painful to be vulnerable once more and so was easier not to love as much. It was also easier not to expect so much from the pregnancy. How foolish we were. Not to love had us broken. Not to claim the baby as a gift from God had us a despairing people.

“My God loves me
His love will never end
He rests within my heart
For my God loves me.”

Our God is a God of steadfast love and faithfulness. He filled our hearts with new hope. He knew our fears, yet has chosen us to father and mother a precious child of His. He, so faithful in so many things, will not leave us in despair. He gave us courage to claim this gift of life and to love this baby with all our hearts. That started a new journey of love, of surrender and trust in God.

Sometime in the middle of the pregnancy, I came down with some sicknesses. A bout of gastric flu gave way to a cold. Then I was down with shingles. Worse than the physical pain and discomfort that I was going though, I was tormented by thoughts of passing the infection to the baby. Is baby able to cope with the virus? Will the sickness attack his growth and development?

I was blaming myself for exposing the baby to these physical ailments. If only I had put more effort into building up my health. If only I had been more vigilant in observing my own body. If only I had eaten more healthily. I talked through my feelings with Jon. And he, in turn, spoke words of truth into my heart – words which I needed to replenish my broken spirit. We prayed and God further refreshed my heart.

“His gentle hand
He stretches over me
When storm clouds threaten the day
He will set me free”

I realized this baby is a gift from God. His life is in God’s hand. We have absolutely no control over baby (as much as I try to eat well and rest well). I am called just to love this gift as much as I can. And God will do the rest. We prayed for healing and protection. And most of all, we prayed to surrender baby to God. This baby is from God and we are merely the chosen ones to love and care for him.

I slowly regained my health. And baby continued to grow in size and strength.

Everyday, we pray with our baby. How the baby responds to our rubs (on my tummy), praying and singing has brought much joy and love to our lives. The conflicting feelings of joy and fear have not ended, but they no longer rule me. My God is more powerful than the fears I have within myself. And my God is the faithful God, wiping away all the untruths I still hold in heart.

“My God loves me
His faithful love endures
And I will live like a child
In His love secure”

We praise and thank God for blessing us with the baby. There is nothing more wonderful than to be loved by Him. The love I have for the little one deepens as I walk each day with faith and trust that He is watching and loving.

“My God Loves Me” is a song that I often sing with baby. And especially in moments of fear and uncertainty, the song has brought comfort to my spirit, and I believe has also ministered to the little one.

 – This faith sharing by a sister in community was made in 2002. The baby is today a teenager with younger siblings. Names have been changed –